These last few days have been utter hell for me. I just got home from another night out, eating some oatmeal right now, my first real food in over 36 hours I would think. Until now, all I've done is drink fluids and smoke cigarettes with the occasional snack of a doughnut or something meaningless.

I wont ever argue this fact, that I always want things done my way. Until I am proven wrong, that the ideals which come from my head, I would like poeple that I advise to seriously consider the words out of my mouth. I wouldnt be there to advise if those people didnt mean anyhting to me. While I still wonder, how much trust there is, do you think I would be telling you to do bad things or things to get yourself into a bad way?

The ignorance shown to me in the past two days is unbelieveable. The soap operas of all soap operas. Fucking disgusting. And I am supposed to just sit idly by and not express my thoughts or feelings on this?

I absolutely hate it, how I still feel a certain way. It shows, and I can try to hide it, but I know its there and it drives me utterly insane.

I was in such a bad mood for the entire night after getting home from the kondlike days. The entire night and morning all I could do was fume and restrain myself from just losing it. I woke up, depressed as ever, there was no energy in me. I couldnt even find effort to sit and eat.

While I knew everyone else was heading out tonight, I was advised to call into work sick, go get my cough checked out (which did turn into them saying there was an infection and that I should take antibiotics and stop smoking for a bit)

I didnt want to be anywhere near that place tonight, I didnt really want to be out with coworkers for that matter either. Knowing that this whole topic would just looms over my head.

After hearing a few more things which happened, I am surprised I didnt just go off. I guess being able to sit there blowing money playing games and winning stuffed animals for the other girls I was with did make me feel a bit better.

It was money well spent, cause atleast I know they were extremely happy to have someone winning them things. A good feeling did wash over me as they went around and showed everyone else what I had won for them.

That was rather pleasant.

So after that night was over, we went over to one of the coworkers place, hung around. Me and my buddy got nicely toasted in the bathroom and then came out. While everything was completely fucked up, I remember that for atleast 2 hours I forgot about everything. It was nice.

Not so nice though, waking up with a girl sleeping in my arms drooling on me. That was rather disgusting. I mean, cute and such in a way, cause I really dont know how that happened, but after my arm was drenched in drool, I did have to wake her up and kick her off the couch.

I also had to kick buddy off the couch and after razing him for a bit, he went and made me proud, that he did have balls to make a move on the girl. Props.

While for a few moments I did consider making the move myself, as he was resisting my attempts to push him to doing something. I knew that the situation wasnt right and my feelings werent true hence I pushed the allure of that girl and sent someone who did like her to spend time with her.

I think I am a pretty nice guy really.

And while the other situation I dont even want to know whats going on, everytime I hear something else new, my heart does sink a bit. To realize that there are people out there doing these things. to know that I've done those things before. I just hope that work doesnt get out of hand because of this.

I'll try to just lay low and do whatever, I dont know what'll happen though.

Out of everyone who is involved with this, I feel that I have the most to lose. And without my perks at that workplace, I know I am gone. Soon to be just another ghost of the casino.

And I cant decide, if that is good, or bad.

I ran into a old friend at kondlike days, my old dealer (and ran into two ex girlfriends too, which was extremely awkward and irritating) he was telling me all sorts of things, about his personal life and how so much had changed since we last talked. Glad for the guy, atleast when it comes to relationships and managing himself in what I do agree is a mature manner, I envy him in that sense. Though he is now a worse alcoholic than I was, but thats beside the point, no one is perfect.

A lot more to write, but now I have online obligations to handle with. I'll write more when I get home.

On another note, I feel that the song I close with is one of the most agonizing songs. That can truly describe my feelings.

Currently Listening to [Marilyn Manson] - The Speed Of Pain