I shouldnt be awake right now, I should have come home after work and gone to sleep and prepared myself for the day to come. Instead I chose to race my way down to the bowling alley to join my coworkers, while blazing down the highway, I got nailed by a photo radar. Joy, atleast 100 bucks gone there. While there is chance I could have gotten away, those type of things never happen to me, so I dont really feel like holding my breath.

Sure bowling was fun, I did have a fun time and even got to be my arrogant cocky self. I even surprised myself as I bowled 5 strikes and 4 spares in one game, not bad for someone who is thrown like a rag doll by the force of his own follow through.

And once I got there and started getting mouthy about my bowling abilities, which I was in question of since I havent bowled since I was in high school (which now seems so distant) Basically after my first practice ball went down in a heap of crap, I found my form immediately after and nailed 4 strikes in a row. I adore how I do talk trash, and convinced the girls we were with much to the delight of the other guys there that for every strike we got, we would get a kiss from each girl.

I got a lot of kisses.

I had so much fun bowling, at the expense of my back and right shoulder though. near the end, I felt my shoulder go limp, like it always does after playing sports or anything requiring effort. My back now aches also, because my bowling form is rather peculiar. However, I guess it was worth it, to win both games we played.

Winning rules.

Of course the night was fine and I should have just gone home after that, but instead I found my way to the casino. I wont go into details, but in my futile attempt to win money to pay for my speeding ticket, I managed to put myself down even more money. I cheer.

I should know better. These are the bad decisions that I myself make.

Right now on my mind, I have already thought about the next week and a half. Much to my dismay, its disgusting how fast my midn thinks sometimes. Anytime I get a chance to just stand or be alone with myself, it just starts going about the most absurd things, the good, the bad and the horrid. All those thoughts fill my mind and instead of being a confident cool character, I am more like a deranged hermit.

It is a horrible situation I do have with myself, I only see failure with a almsot non existent chance of success. And its entirely difficult to understand, because the logical side of me is being overrun by the illogical side. That almost never happens, actually I think this is the first time it's ever happened.

What does that say, I dont know, things just arent right. I could just let the rest of the summer slide and close my eyes to the world, but I realized today while talking with someone about future goals and such. Doing such a thing, like ignoring the world and diving back into my computer life would only be harmful to my life.

I need some substance to keep me away from my computer. I need someone to give me reason to do so. Sure it is great to go out and just have fun with people, but thats all it is, there is no inner meaning, nor do you learn much. For people my age, its just a reason to go out, get drunk, and do stupid things.

Yes, I enjoy getting stoned out of my tree once in a while, and become an explorer to my surroundings. However, as a weekly or even every other day thing, I know that it is a waste of my time.

I am growing very tired of always making decisions and doing things that are just a waste of my time. Sure, certain things are enjoyable and they fit with what I define as my character, but for the most part, its just nonsense. There can be better things done with my time.

I wish I had more time, I wish I made use of time better. I look at my monitor and feel immense hatred for what it has done to me and my life. I say it, and then question myself, are you just making excuses on not wanting to change, or just avoiding it entirely.

As I always walk around with my head high and so much pride about things, I dont know whats real and whats not.

Sometimes you want to listen to your feelings, and for the majority of the time, you know damn well that those feelings are useless. Its hard though, the world around us and all these thigns you see on television and around you, people think with their feelings and things happen. Thats how they grow up.

I dont want to make mistakes, I want to just grow up, flawlessly. I have made enough mistakes already.

And though I could have been silent, gone out tomorrow and just had a great day knowing that I would have. But knowing all the while other thoughts in my head and how I struggle to determine right from wrong amongst other things. It has me in a rather confused state of mind.

How does one deal with such a situation.

How do people deal with anything at all. It is fact that escaping via drugs, alcohol or just any other mind numbing excuse is easier. Things that are that easy dont build any character and in the end are just mistakes, things to delay the inevitable. I want to enudre, but not make mistakes, I want to know that what I do, the sacrifices I make, the pain I feel, at the end of the day was for something.

Hopefully for myself.

But, I have too much doubt, my paranoia is crazy. Simply crazy.

Atleast I can throw that 11 lbs bowling ball in a straight line and knock down all the pins.