And its true I was in some stressed out mood yesterday. My commitments online put me in a state of brain freeze, as I have slept about two hours in the past 48 or so. Healthy. But I have been doing pretty good, despite the lack of sleep.

There are many thoughts still on my mind, still, I am at more ease now than before. Things are easier when they go right.

Going to bed in the wee hours of the morning for a quick nap, only to be awaken by a call from the UK telling me to wake up and get online. Finished my online chores, most of them but had to ditch out to get more rest before my real day started.

When I left my computer and rolled to bed to get another nap, I feel into some trance. It was like a surreal dream, with me just losing control of myself. Natural forces werent there, balance was just lucid. I felt like I was walking towards a cliff, forcefully taking step after step towards the edge, and plunging over only to return to my original position.

It started subtly, and then got more and more real and disorientating. Perhaps it was just my tired mind trying to repel some of the thoughts. The whole experience if anything appeared to have lasted a lifetime, but in reality I was only semi unconscious for 90 minutes.

One of the major problems I have been fighting for a long time now deals with a relationship with someone. It is the first time, where I do have to really choose which lifestyle, which face of mine, is more important to me. Extremely difficult, I know the type of person I am, driven by reputation.

I have never once had to choose between my image to the mass, against my image to a person that is dear to me. And while the correct choice is clear, there are complications to it. I will however tie up the loose ends, and then uphold my half.

Sometimes, people have no idea how its hard being me, just like I probably have no idea what its like to be them. I dont think anything like a normal person, my ideals, my morals and my beliefs differ from the norm.

Its really hard to explain the mental agony if anything, how all these situations just jump out at me and the consequences are there. I want to contemplate how to do it properly and gain the most for the least amount of effort while still not tainting my own pride.

Thats a bit selfish of me I know, but I am trying to find a way out of this.

Things could be easier, but I think I would be a fool to think that change and acceptance could be so easily brought upon.

After waking up, and starting my real day, I enjoyed it very much. To see the people close to me having a good time, and laughing was a treat if anything. It was really a good day, a few minor mishaps and several moments of awkwardness, but I guess thats to be expected.

What can you do. What possibly can be done to rememdy the situation and neuter it. Would I want to neuter it? I am not too sure.

It was a good night though. I wish more nights could be like this one.

There are many things to be said, but sometimes, I dont even want to think about certain things. Sometimes, it feels like whatever I say is just useless.

Time will tell, the time span is short.