Awake again, early in the morning, just finished a cigarette and trying to piece together the events of the evening which are a bit of a haze.

But I'll have to put my pot smoking on hold for a bit, already getting a little sketchy from it. Dont really enjoy it too much as it does wreck my already distorted sleeping habits.

In the process now of fixing a few things at work, slowly getting to it. Doing it subtly and with much thought. And while it shouldnt matter how others react, I am still a bit concerned about it.

Yes, it is a shame I do think like that. I have grown to hate that place with so much passion now, just watching how yet again more and more sides are being taken. Who hates who, who likes who and its just so complicated.

I dont like being stuck, I mean most of the people are alright, and I try to just be neutral in that way. While people could argue its not really picking sides its just showing loyalty, its still a difficult concept for me to grasp.

Already in thought about the next few weeks, trying to plan ahead and manage my time between the real world and my luxurious online life. Getting a few complaints from people online lately about my lack of activity. And I do hold a certain loyalty to people online, atleast they have been more gentle than those in real life. Those politics online are easier to sort out if anything.

I dont see how what I did was a bad decision though. The only bad decisions I really make are going to a casino and just blowing my money without thought, atleast that has slowed down also. As for most other choices, I feel they are justified for my own best interests.

I find it hard to make decisions based solely for other peoples purposes or feelings. Sure, I am selfish in that way, as things have to fit my own mould, but I mean, I dont even know how to make myself content or happy with my life, why should I try to make someone elses life better when my own is miserable at times.

Oh but what is the point of it all, such trivial things that make up this life. I just want some tranquility, some meaning. A desire to feel loved, to be wanted, to be needed.

Yet, there are days when I just cant simply function to aid my friends better. I think today was one of those days as I was in mind sludge. Days like that happen, I am sure people udnerstand.

I should go back to bed, close my eyes and get ready for another hellish day at work tomorrow. Uncertain of what type of stupid shit could happen, we'll have to wait and see.