Finally, finding some time to write. A little motivation, a lot less stress. Sure my head aches with pain as the drugs leave my system much to my dismay. I havent been doing much lately, for whatever reason.

Today I did find time to wake up, around 8pm in the evening, cause I was in a drug induced slumber which has me almost confused these days because I simply dont know what day it is and such. I know I have to wake up tomorrow and run errands, such as getting a haircut and getting money for rent and the works.

I hate having to pay so much rent this month, I figure I'll move out half way thru the month and just relax at both places for the entire duration of the month.

Got some things online done this morning, and while I was close to smashing my keyboard in frustration after three hours of agony we did indeed accomplish the goal of defeating a big bad monster in the game.

Tired these days, dont think I have been eating all that much. Ordered out for a lot of pizza today, still like a pizza and a half upstairs in the fridge, waiting to be consumed over the next two days. That'll be my meals, breakfast pizza, lunch pizza, dinner pizza. Money well spent in that way atleast.

It is already friday. Just the last time I looked up and thought, it was monday. I wonder what has happened since. Everything seems so blurry. There was the night out bowling, then some fucked up day after, and then another messed up one after, then was it today already or was that the day before? Cant really remember.

I feel the need to be distant again. I want to fix my character on this online game to a combination that basically allows me to play 24/7 and not have to deal with the life around me. I dont know if its smart, some people say there are lots of good things in my life. But as always, I am skeptical, cause I dont see that much most of the time.

I have always been like that.

I guess, over the next few days or weeks, depending on how things go in life. I can either have another sheltered few months, just like I had last year in august. Or I can jsut try to go out and do something. I dont like how I do spend so much money when I go out, I wonder how much money I have spent just for the use of spending it in the past few months.

A lot more than expected, I would point to the increase in tip out at work as the reason for this. Almost like a small raise lately, like an extra dollar for every hour I work.

Work, always so putrid and disgusting, paranoid of everything because of just the whole aura of the place. I say this every other day in my diary. But it is truly amazing how much people hate each other and still lie to everyones face. I wonder who lies to my face. I wonder who I lie to. I would think my loyalties are open, which is why I am perhaps liked in that place? Or am I just fooling myself. A horrible place, nothing could be worse. I'd rather be alone than be stuck there.

When you are stoned, you think about things. Ever so slowly. Driving along in a haze, you just think. And the strangest things come to my mind. I speculate about all sorts of obscure things, like girls, work, money, and more drugs. I guess the appeal of smoking so much dope is that, after you smoke enough everything else just goes away. It will always be something alluring to me, seeing the world through the eyes of an idiot. Not needing to think, just giggling, for no reason.

But it has to stop, I've been down this road before already and it got me nowhere. I should know better. Sometimes its hard to know better but still be consumed. When girls say I cant leave my abusive boyfriend because I love him, its sort of the same thing. You know better, but something totally stupid holds you back for no reason. Or perhaps, you are just too weak to know right from wrong.

I know what I've been doing is wrong. But I just havent found the energy to care. I sense another torrid month coming up, just something to stress about and all sorts of stupid things to come down at work. A few mental images that are sketched into my mind, I claw at them and they wont go away.

Confusion, all around, sometimes. The music when played loud enough, with enough dope in your system, a cigarette in your mouth. Everything else fades away, and all you have is silence of the mind. Tranquility.