Sometimes I really think half the songs on my play list are there purely because of the name of the song, and how so many of them can describe a mood that I can get into. My thoughts just become one and I think. Once again, I am wasting time, my thoughts are unclear, but aimed towards the social reality of the person that I am.

I was reading someones blog the other day, cause a online friend who resides on the same game as me told me to take a look at. It was a depressing entry, because I could so easily relate to it, and expand it to fill in the blanks that would be my own life.

The sad social circle, that has been my escape from the real world for over five years now. It has been one of the major influences on my life. And because of the environment, because of the people whom in all aspects are the perfect friend, I have become this mutant in my own social circles in reality.

And since I have this perfect place for so long, where I can do whatever and am surrounded by people who were like myself, it makes reality so hard to deal with. Many of the things that are important or even humourous to most normal people are meaningless to me. Life itself is meaningless to me because I know that I will die in the end so nothing matters to me. That is my personality.

I find it hard to relate to most people. If we can relate living life as to writing a book. They have chapters that everyoen can relate to, like high school and the things that went through it. I think high school was a important part of everyones life except mine, for instead of memories or experiences, I have just hatred and gaps. Gaps in life, where other people have memories and thoughts, I have nothing, caught up in an addiction.

And so the abilities that I learned or my own personal talents that were magnified by my addiction. A few ncie things, I guess I have become a strong leader, at times, able to make my own decisions based own my interests. I am controlled and effecient at doing whatever needs to be done. Huge wonderful things, not bad for absolutely wasting effectively 25% of my current lifespan.

And it is nearly impossible, the only thing I can truly relate to is like desire for girls and such. Cause like every other person, we are all driven to go find someone and fuck their brains out and shit like that. Perhaps even companionship or soulmate whatever you want. Something to do really, another waste of time in life.

But as for everyday things in life, no, I dont see any of the things that everyone else sees. I cant notice a haircut, a change of clothes any change that isnt manifested in ones personality. Sure, some things are just obvious, like if you shaved your head I'd notice that maybe. But for like the minor things, yeah they make no sense. Trivial things.

The bottom line, friends are hard to come by. I dont think there are of the guys out there I'd hang out with as just to chill and confide in. I mean, I seem to be years ahead of most of the males in train of thought and maturity. WHich is why I find girls much better people to be around, cause atleast they have other thoughts on mind.

Sure females are fucked because their emotions guide them too much and everything said and shown really points to something else. But they are still more entertaining to be with.

A lonely existence, friends have come and gone, and probably will continue to come and go. I know that is in my own future. Nothing ever really lasts for me.

There is no real morals to any of the things I do. Loyalty isnt really the most important thing when I meet new people. I just have no other equal really, and while my discussion the other day, had my friend telling me how everything in his lfie was wrong. I was telling him how everything in my life could be right, with just a minor adjustment of attitude and thought. A sacrifice in my own life that would lead me into a new.

My final day on this game, when I leave for someone better, something that can hold my attention just as well as it does, and feed me all the intellectual stimulation I need.

Heh, basically girlfriend or bust. Atleast then there would some substance in my life. Some entertainment.

Otherwise, digital, the way to go, my own rut to roam and be my own god.

It is depressing though. How would you feel if you knew your fatal flaw, knew how to fix it, and didnt have the energy to claw your way to something better, for the simple reason of the pain is comforting.

The pain of my life, has gotten too comfortable, it almost soothes me when I sleep.