Currently Listening to [Evanescence] - October

Another week ends. The dreaded transition period begins, yet again.

Really though, the more I think about it, the more I am tempted to just leave that horrible workplace. I wonder if it is my weakness right now, just letting the stress get to me. Perhaps I am finalyl succumbing to the abuse I have put my mental and physical self through.

The drugs in my mind have weakened my resolve.

Which way is the best to go right now. Sigh. I feel so empty again, lost myself in a haze of smoking maurijuana and hardcore gaming this week. The moment the internet was restored, I dont think I have even left my room.

Wasting away, with elegance.

There is sorrow in my life, a shadow that is looming overhead. It is hard not to accept it, watching what has happened to me. Remembering, and knowing.

How could I have prevented any of this, as it seems so natural. It is just a game, everything is just a game to me. That is why there is no fun in anything, winning is fun, that is all.

I contemplate salvation, I wonder. Is there anything out there, and if there is, what is the reason for wanting it, what is the purpose of having it.

What could possibly make all this confusion go away.

It isnt like I am truly depressed or anything, the view of a cynic is that things are just bad always at all times. There isnt much one can do about it.

The more I look at things around me, my disgust continue to overflow. There is nothing in this world worth having, because corruption is everywhere and everyone in one form or another.

Even I am guilty of it, there is no perfection nor illusion of it, there is just guilt. We all feed on the pain around us, we want others to notice, and to care.

Well not me, I dont want any of it, I know that my thoughts are different, my desires next to none. I have nothing to lose, and nothing of interest to gain.

I wish for silence, to sit in my room, wasted, elegantly wasted, lost in a train of thought going nowhere, but aware of what to feel, and how to feel it for the remainder of the day.

One toke.

Certainty is an illusion too, everything is. The power of thought and personality is overrated.

Nothing more than well dressed animals who are fascinated by things we cant have.