Listening to the Underworld soundtrack right now. It is a pretty good soundtrack, dark and mysterious while intense and hurt. A very good collection of trip music really, I mean angry, while soft, while disgusted and hurt.

Slow as the mind goes, sitting here another day has been done.

I spent the entire day yesterday, completely helpless. In a hearted desire for escape from a place that hurt me, I went to a place of mind that scared me. Well, not really, but still disgust in some fashion.

A bit more controlled tonight, just in train of thought, fluid.

And the dream, of something better always in my head, like a repeating echo, constantly reminding me that things will get better.

Sometimes I wonder, why I am a hypocrite like everyone else too. Cause I tell people these things, harsh brutal things when they come to me for advice on how to act. Yet, while I know what my options are and arent, I continue to make excuses for everything in my life. I dont want to have any responsibilities it seems.

Which is funny because I always preach about how mature and responsible I am and how I always do what I can.

I made a water bong yesterday night when I was completely baked. Out of a 1L pop bottle, a pen, some tape, and some tin foil. A cute little contraption, which leaks a bit, but does the job very very nicely. I think the cat was high yesterday cause I was smoking this monster bong inside the house. It was kinda funny.

And another stupid point, if I know there is much conflict within the house right now and I am the mature silent one trying to be the peacekeeper. Why the fuck would I go smoke a fucking bong in the house and stink the place up to add to the turmoil? Now it jsut gives more reasons to argue between the roommates.

That sucks.

I tear at myself right now, not really critically as before. But still a little bit, as this time there are jsut such questions about myself and my thoughts and my feelings. Just weighing options out, and thinking, not as much because the luxury of being baked is that you arent there much.

The body is resting, and the mind is on vacation.

It was a nice night, I hope to do it again soon. I like being out and about with people that are relateable to, in my way, not the generic bullshit way that I am forced to play when I am with so many of the people that are in my life.

I guess that is what seperates a friend and a acquaintance and a good friend.

Fuck I think I made a spelling mistake, too baked to fix it.

Oh well.

I'll just relax for a bit now, mellow in front of the computer hopefully entertaining my mind somehow and not trying to think about things. Because chances are 've already thought about it before and the solutions in this situation are limited to all but three. Hence should I be thinking about this, no, because there is nothing to think about.

Agreed.

A little pep talk within my own head, pretty funny.

Fuck.

Heh.

Currently Listening to [Skinny Puppy] - Optimissed