This shall be a very long entry. I am sitting in my room right now, aching after a hard workout at the gym. I had a lot of stress and frustration to let otu after work today and was glad to put it to use at the gym. Now as I sit here, basically fuming from every surface of my body. I ponder.

I should finish eating this food I made before I write more, cause once I get started, I'll forget about it I know.

I am very uncertain about a few things right now. I worry that there is something wrong. As I smoke this pipe, my thoughts are on someone and I just wonder.

That whole concept of, if the guy thinks there is nothing wrong, something is definately wrong. And if he thinks there is something wrong, chances are hes being a moron and everything is alright. Well, I was thinking nothing really, and just getting a weird vibe. I dont feel anything is wrong, so hence therefore something must be. Or, could I be just letting my thoughts wander too much. Who knows, I'll write the thought down just so that incase of future reference that I can use it.

I think I just made a horrible online bet just now. As I sold a piece of equipment for 1100+2d200 (2 rolls with a 200 sided dice for the impaired) and I rolled 18. So with the max sale of 1500, I sold it for 1118.

Thats pretty fucking bad. I dont think I should be allowed to gamble period.

Now that I feel completely baked. I will start with my thoughts.

I absolutely loathing people right now. It just drives me crazy seeing everything around me. everywhere. Perhaps its all the drugs I've taken, and a side effect is seeing things that arent there. But nonetheless, people really piss me off.

However, certain hypocrites are the ones that piss me off the most. While there have been a lot of enemies and jsut people I didnt like in my life, now it seems there is someone that just cant stop lying to my face.

It has gotten to the point, where its amusing, watching this person lie to every single person around them.

Fuck.

I dont think of myself as a very good person. Still, I feel that I am a loyal person. A trait I hold very highly, a promise is a promise. And I'll take this moment to acknowledge the fact that I have broken my own promise to myself in regards to quitting drugs after I turned 21. For that, I apologize. However, with most other things I do my honest best to keep my word.

Some other people, make no effort at all. And things are just peachy.

Its great leading that life, I wish I could be that ignorant. That manipulative. It is definately some trait to be able to do that, in everyday life and just yawn and be alright with it.

However, what I find amusing, is that you think everything will be fixed if you just act cute, flutter your eyelashes and smile like a fucking moron.

I enjoy wasting time. I think life itself is a waste of time. But really, given the choice, I wouldnt choose to waste my time on you. Cause thats all there is to it.

To be as empty, uncaring and for lack of a better description. Incarnate evil. Just go waste someone elses time.

God.

Right now, I only want to hate myself and the person I am. Perhaps when I turn into something more admirable, you can come spend some time with me, that way I have something to channel my anger and frustration towards.

Until then, dont waste your breath wasting my time.

Shift of thought now. I worry about that other person a bit these days. Its strange. To me, the relationship just seems so fragile. Sometimes I wonder, why I even care so much at all. Cause in the end, this web will just get blown away in the wind. Nothing ever lasts for me.

I just feel, strange about it.

Or maybe, its from me trying so hard to try to not care.

It is hard to explain.

.....

Such is life. Like everything else, this is just my point of view. If you were someone looking at me, you too would see something different.

Everything in life, is just perspective. And everything always has another side.

I want to be, always right.

I want everyone to see, that I am always right.

In that sense, I want to be exceptional.

So hard, I struggle to just not care. I hate it, I want to just close my eyes, and be surrounded by nothingness. Just a void. Like the space [ ]

I also have to stop doing drugs.

I do feel so much despair over it. I see the response in my roommates face, and how much disappointment he shows these days over the subject. I do believe he also thought I had a stronger will. Instead I've just succumbed to this state.

There is something about this song. And for some reason, it feels good to sign off to it.

I think, I know why.

Or do I....