I've spent this entire day high. I dont want to care.

There is nothing worth caring for.

I am just, always right.

I didnt go to the second bar, I already had a notion, just instinct. I went to the casino, lost a lot of money, and didnt really care.

Not one bit.

And that is the way it should be. Perhaps it is the season, being christmas and all. I dont fucking know.

I am just dumbfounded really. Everything seems to mock me these days. Dont trust anyone, I feel the world is out to get me.

Hardly paranoid though. I just dont like what I see. It almost humours me really, how it was all in the air beforehand.

And as heavily sedated as I was, I still watched it all unfold.

Cant really describe my thoughts, dont really want to. I feel the need to rant. But first, smoke more weed. Ease the pain, black out the world. Then, unleash.

I finished off the bowl. Dont feel completely loose yet. Do I dare cut into tomorrows stash?

I think after a long pause, staring at the monitor, the answer is yes.

One more toke, and I'll be over the line. I could ask forgiveness, for what I may or may not do. But in the end, who is watching me?

Listening to nothing but faithless now.

I hate everything around me. I dont like the things I see. Maybe its my lifestyle, the people I am around or worse yet, everything. Everything around me just disappoints me. And then I look upon myself and see the same disappointment. Reflecting upon these last few months of drug abuse. I could be uptight with myself and scold myself saying this was time wasted. But then, I consider, essentially everyone is accomplishing the same thing as me, wasting time. Just they do it in their own little ways.

But really, fuck, nothing in this world is sacred. No promise means anything. words out of peoples mouths might as well be blood dripping from an open wound. Everyone is such in contradiction with themselves, its disgusting.

And it drives me crazy, that I could just be the same way. And I wouldnt know it.

I see liars, everywhere, they dont know they are lying, but they are.

Exhale.

Oh, but thats human nature. Hence, why drive for perfection, why drive to have meaning. It doesnt really matter. Why not just be high all the time, atleast you know how you will feel. You know the things you will enjoy.

Cause everyday life, there is nothing to enjoy.

Its not the loyalties I question nowadays, its just the downright, do you know the words that come out of your mouth dont mean shit kind of deal. Albeit that good intentions are still always there.

Would you consider taking favours from someone you dont fully trust. Hmm, it isnt that you dont trust them, its just you doubt everything they say.

Just because, you have seen, how openly hypocritical they are.

Or perhaps, just another over reaction. Why bother. The only thing thoughts like these do, is waste time.

Might as well be high while I think. My thoughts and impressions, just another addition to my list of failures.

It is true that I might be hard on myself. I just honestly feel, its not hard to do everything right. Or atleast with the good intention. But still, who knows.

I hate this time of year.

I hate what I am.

A reflection, I dont see much in my life that had any real feel to it. Just distaste. A glimmer, which sparkles and fades away.

No point wasting my breath. Just here to wonder about the mysteries about people and how they can be so dumb.

Or maybe, everyone is such an artist, this whole thing called life is just a really neatly scripted story of plot twists. And for the most part, you just finish up the whole thing with another question. What next?

This failure though, I shall turn into a burning desire for something new.

I think, I have been living the same life over and over for the last few years. And now I simply feel the need, for an escape.

With that escape, I hope for salvation. Or atleast something warm and fuzzy. Who knows.

Just cause, I feel that I lead an honest life. And that good things will come, I am long overdue for some luck.