Body is sore, up way past my bedtime. really fucking ripped from the mind. Its so exhausting.

Sotthing song this one in my background.

Strange day I guess today, all these thigns going wrong in my life. Watching things burn. I lost my sunglasses yesterday and almost broke something when my sister told me she looked at her place and it wasnt there. Seriously if I hadnt already sedated myself for the hour, I would have lost it.

Things are getting to me again. Stress I do believe it is. Usually these episodes will last for a few weeks, where it either goes away because things get better or leads up to a situation which will be resolved. One way or another. Now I dont know what will happen, but I am kind of on edge.

Its like all the things that run through my head tear me apart, because of all the different directions my thoughts can come from. Subtle gentle thoughts, or jagged razor sharp images. things just jump back and forth for me like a seesaw.

I did however, have one of those moments today that I will take time to write about.

Getting christmas present from some girls. A whole new thought really, never really ever gotten presents from people besides family members. Christmas for me was always just two weeks off school since the age of like five. So it was just nice I guess. To have like gifts from people that you know saying that they care for you. Whether or not its true or the extent or duration of that statement is to last, for the current moment it would appear they do care.

Even in a dark hour of despair and anguish, a moment of bliss. Licking my lips as those girls spoiled me.

Nice feeling.

I do feel, that just watching would be the right choice. Not being involved, finding something else to do, and just letting the drive goto cruise control.

Let my mind enjoy the vacation and just not care.

I really hate caring.

Someone asked me why I was single, and how I got along so well with my coworkers and why I wasnt actively pursuing anyone.

Yes yes, failures and crushes aside and other things deemed worthless or waste of time, I also strongly believe that it would onyl add to my mood swings.

Having to care.

Really, its not that I look down upon myself as some robot. But there are so many thoughts and well basically feelings that I have trouble grasping with my mind.

Its hard to explain beyond that.

Haze.

After that final drag, I just dont feel the urge to think anymore.

Time to conquer sleep.