How can I change the world, if I cant even change myself?

How can I change the way I am? I dont know. (I dont know)

.....

I just dont know these days. What is the norm. How are you supposed to just deal with these things. Perhaps its too personal. Perhaps it isnt personal enough. Who really knows.

I came online, after a heavy workout at the gym today. Spoke to a friend, saying something along the lines of well, its been a year, what has happened to me.

He responded, you tried to have a life. And by doing so, you got involved with something completely out of your league, cause there is no way to udnerstand them, relate to them, or even believe any single word out of their mouth. You got involved with women.

I dont know, but it seems he is right.

I wonder why I even bother to try. It isnt in my nature really.

We can argue that many things about me are just in fact a ruse. However, lies that are there long enough become truth just because of persistence. Why do you think you have beautiful people saying they arent pretty enough.

Insecure nature. Everyone is insecure. Cause everyone is trying to be someone else.

I said it straight up today at work in the break room. Ya know, everyone in this room is a fucking pervert, I am just the only one that'll open their mouth and say fuck, that girl aint wearing no bra. Everyone sees it, everyone knows it, they whisper about it. But for the most part, they act like it isnt there.

Not to sound like a cynic. Still I dont see the whole point of life itself. We struggle along, doing meaningless shit, gathering meaningless possessions, when all the while what we are trying to do is fuck as many people as we can. Literally and figuratively of course.

Is it because nothing has meaning for me. Or is it because I just see all the idiots around me and just shrug, close my eyes and imagine something else.

This is a drug free day for me. I just have nothing to make all this pain go away. Its a bad excuse, but you know, atleast while under the influence of drugs, you KNOW how you will feel the next moment.

That power, of certainty is something nice. While I can wander around daily and not be sure about everything like social relationships, financial problems and god forbid, my own emotions and feelings. If I am high, none of it really fucking matters.

I hate that, because I have gotten to that point in my life where I'd seriously consider ending it all, cause I dont see any light at the end of the tunnel. I only see disappoints upon disappointments.

No one in my life has managed to impress me to the point of going wow, now there is someone I'd like to be. really, in that way, I've never had an idol, I've just tried to establish myself and I feel I have done it rather well.

I have no idea what I am even writing about right now. I am just wasting time.

No other thoughts.

Do I want to wake up tomorrow and finish my christmas shopping. Or just waste away slowly and not really give a damn.

So hard to choose, a clash of personalities again. Sigh, sometimes I think I have too much blind faith in people.

No one out there is innocent.

Anyone who says so is either a fucking retard or a liar. If they are a fucking retard, they probably have the easiest lifestyle ever, till one day someone forces their eyes open.

Everyone is a hypocrite.

Even myself. Sigh. What would I do in some situations baffles my mind. And so, everyday, I wake up, and try to purge another part of my soul. Nowadays, I dont even know why.

It just feels proper.