Again, I must apologize for never writing. I dont know if anyone ever bothers to read it anymore.

It isnt that I have lost faith in living. I would think its just that I am trapping myself in this state of mind where everything feels so different. And really its pointless to make sense of any of this exploration cause all it is, is just a waste of time.

And while I am not really depressed, I just find myself in this state of bliss. Why, cause I can, when I want, anytime I want. Its there.

In this haze of confusion, a clarity of a goal. To goto europe this summer. It is something I have wanted to do for a while and now I am actually in a position where I can afford to do so, in a few short months of saving up that is.

That is something to look forward to.

A thrill.

As for other things, I have really numbed myself so much to the world around me. Like a whole different form of blunt has been discovered during these months.

I so throughly enjoy the sensation of having nothing to lose, not because I am without hope, but because I simply dont care enough to miss anything.

The things I need, are always at my disposal.

If not one thing, can be replaced with another.

Everything is replaceable.

I have been keeping up with going to the gym. Putting on weight slowly, but strength has definately continued to improve. Good times I guess, there is something almost productive in my life.

But for the most part. Stuck in this seemingly endless trance of wasting my time.

Would I welcome death even? Well, I must argue, why not, if it was meant to be, then it was destiny.

I find myself to be a beleiver of destiny. If it was supposed to find a way together, it will. If not, it wont. And the path you choose determines the result. My choice is to just not care about anything. I'll idly stand by and watch as everything unfolds.

Lets see.

Currently Listening to [Linkin Park] - Figure 0.9